every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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