Little spoons don't ask big questions
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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