Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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