turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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