i think my mom watched the whole time
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
