just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
