Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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