I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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