My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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