My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I stole a fireplace last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
