Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
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We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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