Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
