i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
