Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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