Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
