Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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