i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
