you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
