My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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