you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
