i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
