I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
NoShamevember. You game?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
