You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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