If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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