About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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