Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
