fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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