Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
