my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I cut my penus on the lid.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
