Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
