Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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