Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
