you didnt know i had herpes?
Sober January is a disaster.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
my penis made a compromise with my morals
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
