Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
