Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
