I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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