She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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