Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
