The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
