I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's official drugs can't kill me
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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