this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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