Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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