just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
