I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
