I faked an abortion last night.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
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i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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