I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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