Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
