If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
