everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
