Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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