my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
