I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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