for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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