I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
