he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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