hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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