and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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