I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
